Who Am I?
When I meet a group of new people in a social situation, usually, someone will ask why I am in a wheelchair. Obviously, they can see that I am a wheelchair user, and they are curious. Most are uncomfortable, and the question is often prefaced by “If you don’t mind talking about it….” or “I hope I’m not intruding, but…” or even “I hope I’m not making you uncomfortable, but….”. But it is often the initial conversation.
We are all curious, and getting to know new people can be an exciting and positive part of life. But my disability is often the first thing people notice about me, and it is not who I am. I am a man, I am gay, I am a writer, I have a disability, I love to dine out, I am an avid theater-goer, I am married, and there are many, many other qualities and experiences that add up to who I am. My disability is neither the most important thing about me, nor the most interesting.
But all too often, people meet us, notice our disability, and don’t go further. They don’t ask what we do for a living, they don’t ask what our hobbies are, they don’t ask where we have traveled - all things that might come up in conversation with other people they meet. Why? Because it is too easy for people to focus on our disabilities. No one meets a new person, has a good conversation, and then goes home and only remembers his height. Nor do they turn to a friend and say, “I just met a fascinating woman, and she was wearing a pink dress.” These are never the most important things about the people they encounter. But I am sure that often those who meet us start their description with “He’s paralyzed. He’s in a wheelchair.”
I am not ashamed of my disability. In fact, I am proud to be part of the disability community and proud that I do many things I once thought were impossible. But I am not defined by my disability. We have made great strides in gaining equality and access, but we have miles to go before we change public perception. Some people pity us. Some look down on us as if we are lesser human beings. Some assume we have severely limited lives, unable to connect with others or have a fulfilling love life. Do they assume these things with others they meet?
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We are all the sum of genetics and years of life experience, nature and nurture. Like anyone else, we are complex, interesting human beings. We may have to work harder to get through our days, but we live and love and laugh like everyone else. We have varied interests. We are fascinating, not for our disabilities, but for our souls and minds and hearts. We are human.
I never want to be rude, but the next time someone meets me, and the first question they ask is about my disability, I hope to say, “I’m happy to talk about my injury, but first, let’s find out a little about each other. What do you like to do? I’m a complete theater junkie – how about you? Do you like to cook?”
Let’s resist the easy categorization of us as “disabled.” Let’s prove to friends and strangers that we are not just what they first see, any more than other people are. My wheelchair does not define me. It is only one part of my life, just like any other physical aspect.
Let’s get to know each other. Let’s explore who I am, and learn who you are. Then we can talk about my injury or my wheelchair if you have questions. But it is not who I am.