The Effort of the Holidays

The holidays are truly some of my favorite times of the year – full of laughter, reconnection, and only a little drama. I genuinely look forward to my grandma’s house in the snow, our Christmas tree in the living room, and the coziness of everyone around the fireplace.

As happy and snug as those associations are, there’s a quiet undercurrent of stress around accessibility that I can’t quite relax into; accessibility challenges don’t take a holiday, and visiting other people’s homes – especially with the extra chaos – can turn simple movement into a complex, exhausting task.

For me, a manual wheelchair user with no functional use of my legs, my checklist is this: Can someone help lift me onto the inaccessible toilet at my in-laws? How about the fifteen brick steps at front? Will there be space to move around once I’m in the house, or will we play Kristin in the Corner for another year? Those are mostly logistical concerns, but their answers affect how relaxed I feel, how present I can be, and how much I can participate in the festivities.

All this is to say, if you have similar needs, mindset, and/or checklist for the holidays: I feel ya. None of it is hard; it just takes a bit of proactive effort. So, let’s talk about how to minimize some of that stress.

1. Communicate early. I’ve sent these texts countless times: “Hey! How many stairs do you have out front?” “Is there someone who can help me into your house?” or even just “What’s your bathroom situation?” Heck, I’ve even had people measure their door’s opening before. In my experience, people don’t mind doing any of it. Nothing to be embarrassed about.
2. Set boundaries. I’m queen of making sure others are comfortable and at ease – even at my own expense. I’ve even pulled a “don’t worry about accommodating me! I can maybe make it 8 hours without going to the bathroom.” Cut to me, having to sit in my own accident for 4 of those hours. It’s okay! We live and we learn, right? Don’t be afraid to say something like “I’ll join for dinner, but may need to leave early to take care of things.” It’s a classic line that few will challenge when you really have legitimate “things,” and a convenient one for an early escape. Use at your discretion.
3. Ask for help without guilt. This goes along with Communicating Early: if you need help, just ask. Years ago, I had a friend who lived in a city apartment, up three flights of stairs, with no elevator. When I tell you he carried me up those stairs like a bag of potatoes, the only stretch is that my head was facing forward instead of dangling over his shoulder. I’m not saying you should go to all that trouble, but just that people will say “no” if they can’t accommodate you, and they’ll make it work if they do. If “no,” move to another plan or another friend. Again, nothing to shame over.
4. Or you can just say “no. It’s perfectly okay. Your well-being (mental and physical) matters more than tradition and/or other people’s feelings. Trust me: they’ll either understand or they’ll get over it.

The holidays, at their heart, are about gathering, belonging, and making space for one another. For me, that space isn’t just emotional —it’s physical, too. There’s a little more planning that goes into the shuffle of the holiday season, but it’s worth it.

Whether your planning is around navigating other people’s houses for a get-together, how to accommodate loved ones in your house while still maintaining order in your own, or how to make the most of the cold-weather season by yourself, I hope you’re able to capture the truest spirit of this time of year – one of peace, thankfulness, and contentment.