Real Life Stories of a Disabled Mom: Effective Refereeing
When I started writing this blog, my oldest was in first grade, and my youngest was about to turn 2. Now I have a rising fifth grader and Kindergartener and my parenting role is constantly changing. Their feelings run the gamut of the emotional spectrum on any given day. That means if I limit time on the gaming system, I know I’ll hear that I’m the worst mother. I fully expect to hear that I’m both the best mom and ruining their lives multiple times a day.
My role four years ago was diaper duty, sesame street, juice, and snacks. Thankfully the diaper phase is long gone. I do miss Sesame Street; Pokemon isn’t a bad option though. Now there’s teachers, homework, friends, striking the balance between too many and not enough afterschool activities, self-image, nutrition, clothes, and sister/parent relationship management. They are all important for my girls’ development, but the one I engage in the most is sister/parent relationship management, aka referee.
Everyone in my house including me is strong-willed, passionate, and helpful. We are all “always right” and determined to fix everything for the people we love. So how do I manage two kids at different development stages who enjoy pushing each other’s buttons and mine without cracking in half? I don’t always. Being human and a parent generally means that at some point, I’ve had enough. But I keep trying.
I lead with love. Whether we’re hugging or having a “discussion” I say, “I love you.” I never want them to doubt my love. I also try to consider the feelings that lead to the action and subsequent discussion. Also, once the moment is over, it’s over. I revert back to their snuggly mama. If there’s a repercussion it stands. But I don’t hold their actions over them.
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I try to regulate my emotions, so I can help with their dysregulated emotions. It can be as simple as taking a moment to get my bearings before I engage them or doing some box breathing to calm my body down, this makes the difference between diffusing a moment and escalating it.
Choosing my hill to defend also makes a difference. Kindness, supporting each other, hygiene, and safety are mission critical in our life. Whether or not I love what they’re wearing, they’re asking for a later bedtime or more video game time on a non-school night is not. I try to put myself in their shoes, and to get them to see each other’s perspective so they can choose their own hills to defend. Self-expression and having some decision power in their life is more important than me being right about everything.
Since I am the primary parent, it’s also critical that I recognize my hard limit, when it’s time to regroup and recharge. I appropriated a line from one of my kids’ favorite shows. “I need my 20 minutes.” I might exercise, put on my music, read a book, or if my spouse is home, scoot out for a coffee. When I come back from my downtime, I’m a more effective, happier mom. None of these work 100% of the time, but I keep trying.