Rediscovering Myself

When going to college, you embark on a journey to find yourself as a young adult. A few weeks before I was set to begin my journey as a college student at Hampton University, my identity shifted—I became a survivor of a senseless act of violence: a shooting. Instead of going to college with the rest of my peers, I was in the hospital watching college days pass me by. I was in a fugue state, unable to talk, eat, move, or even breathe without a machine. I was ready to throw the towel in until I realized I had much more living to do and the accident was just a minuscule part of the great journey ahead of me.

I constantly had medical doctors telling me what my recovery would look like. They didn’t think that I would be able to think for myself or take care of myself. I wanted to go down in history as the first to go to college out of my family, like many influential Black people I read about as a child. I began researching universities and mapping out the steps I would take after leaving the hospital.

When I started college, I registered only for online classes. I was ashamed of being now considered a disabled person due to the injuries I sustained from that tragic night. I reminded myself of the night I was shot and how doctors told my mom that I wouldn’t make it and that if I did, I’d be in a vegetable state. It motivated me to want to take back my life.

During the first two years, I fought hard to not give up on myself by starting outpatient rehabilitation full-time and attending school part-time. Before I knew it, I was graduating with my first college degree, an honors associate’s in psychology from County College of Morris, despite assumptions that this wouldn’t be possible. This gave me the confidence and the courage I needed to keep going.

When I transferred to Rutgers University to complete my bachelor’s degree, I was challenged to learn more about myself. I always tried to run away from the idea of family and support, and it wasn’t until I visited Trinidad and Tobago, my mother’s native country, for the first time, that my perception changed. The trip showed me I still had a genuine side of my family, and being on the islands felt like a healing experience.

I went on to study abroad in Barbados, my first time living and studying in another country. It pushed me far outside my comfort zone. I had to navigate a new environment on my own, learn a new culture and customs, and constantly adapt. Barbados was not accessible, and the attitude toward people with disabilities was often dismissive. I advocated for my accommodations, even when I was told to “appreciate the bare minimum.”

I was eventually invited to speak on my first international news segment, “Mornin’ Barbados”, to shed light on the country’s accessibility challenges and the ways I’d been treated unfairly as a result. Through that, I learned something important: even when there wasn’t space for me, I created space. This study abroad experience and my whole college journey were only the beginning of many firsts I could celebrate in my life. I was always me; I was just too blinded by the pain to see it. I learned that rediscovering myself wasn’t about getting rid of my disability but embracing it and becoming a different version of myself.

Liyalani Roebuck (Lili) is an educator, mental health advocate, disability advocate, among many other things. She holds a B.A. in Psychology from Rutgers University. Born and raised in Newark, New Jersey, she still proudly resides in her hometown. She aspires to empower youth and others like herself to achieve success and exceed expectations.