My birth, 50 years ago on November 28, interrupted both a football game and my mom’s OB/GYN’s Thanksgiving dinner at home with his family. And this year will be my first without my mom, who passed away from pancreatic cancer in April. November is also National Family Caregiver Month, so I’ve been asked to honor and share the profound realities caregivers face. This is hard for both the caregiver and the spouse, and given that November is also a month of gratitude, I want to take a more Thanksgiving approach to this topic. Despite the challenges, there are moments of gratitude and support that make this journey worthwhile. At the risk of sounding like a martyr (because I don’t want to sound like a martyr), being a caregiver makes surprises and celebrations harder than maybe they are for regular people.
Balancing caregiving with personal needs can be challenging. For instance, when I turned 40, I managed to take a much-needed break with friends, which provided a rare moment of respite. I had very young children, worked full-time as an English teacher, and wrote my first novel. There was no way I wasn’t going “away-away” from my family to celebrate, and I was lucky to have a group of ladies from all different parts of my life join me. Besides throwing up after hot yoga, which I don’t recommend to anyone, the long weekend at the Parrot House, an Airbnb somewhere in southern Florida, was exactly what I needed. This year, though, everyone is asking what I’m doing for my 50th, and I want to scream, “Nothing.” Endpoint. Exclamation point. This year I just want to survive Thanksgiving and not spend the entire holiday weekend missing my mom as she was my best caregiver. Sorry, Pops, we both know this to be true for both of us. She knew the words of support we needed even when we didn’t realize we needed them.
Being a caregiver means being responsible for a lot of moving parts. Now that our kids are older, one might think leaving them for a trip would be easier, but that doesn’t seem to be the case for us. They are involved in so many activities as teenagers (who don’t drive yet thankfully) that staying home is simply easier. They are also expressing a lot of animosity about having to “help their dad” which is maybe normal for self-centered teens of parents with disabilities or maybe our kids are just “extra” right now– but regardless of it makes Geoff feel bad when he should not. We are a family, and family helps wherever and whenever possible.