Hey, Old Friend
Stephen Sondheim, the greatest composer and lyricist of the last 50 years, has written many songs that delve deep into our lives and relationships. His genius lies in part in his ability to tap into things we all feel, and to express them in ways we never could.
Lately, I’ve been listening to a lot of his music, and one song in particular sticks in my head:
Hey, old friend,
Are you okay, old friend?
What do you say, old friend,
Are we or are we unique?
Time goes by,
Everything else keeps changing.
You and I,
We get continued next week.
Most friends fade
Or they don't make the grade.
New ones are quickly made
And in a pinch, sure, they'll do.
But us, old friend,
What's to discuss, old friend?
Here's to us ? who's like us?
Damn few!
Study after study reveals the emotional, psychological, and even physical benefits of friendships. Especially for those of us in our “senior” years, friendships help us battle isolation and loneliness, and improve the quality of our lives.
When you sustain a spinal cord injury, you quickly learn who your real friends are. When I was in the hospital, I was often surprised who came to visit, who had a comforting word, who helped me connect with the Reeve Foundation and the spinal cord community, and who provided comfort to my husband. Individuals I never expected created a support system for me and my spouse and checked in often.
After my hospitalization, other friends rallied, bringing meals, just being at home with me so my husband could take a break, or helping me with everyday functions that now posed great challenges.
I learned then to receive friendship without guilt or shame. Most of us would like to be totally independent, but the truth is that no human being is truly on their own. We need our friends to be there for us, in good times and bad. A friend of mine says that real friends “multiply the joys and divide the sorrows.”
We need to learn to accept our friends’ help. They truly want to provide support and to be a friend. So, help them do so. Often friends do not know what we really need. Your spinal cord injury is as foreign to them as it is to you. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Your true friends will be there for you, and if they aren’t…well, they weren’t friends in the first place.
As Sondheim says, look to the “old friends” who know you best. They are truly “unique”. Chances are, you have been through ups and downs in each other’s lives, and you understand each other. You won’t have to explain to them. They know you. They are the ones from whom you benefit just from their presence, from seeing them walk into your home. It just feels right.
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And receiving friendship should teach us to give friendship – to pay it forward. Once you have received the gift of friendship, you will be more inclined to give it to others. But just as our friends weren’t sure what help to give us, we often don’t know what our friends need. So, ask. And offer specific help. “Call me if you need me” puts the responsibility on your friend, and is not nearly as helpful as “Would you like me to bring you and your husband dinner so neither one of you has to cook this weekend? Is there anything you are craving?”
Friendships are gifts in our lives. At the end of the day, there are few true friends in life. So, treasure the ones you have. Give back to them. Celebrate your friendships, and you too will be saying:
Here’s to us.
Who’s like us?
Damn few!