---
title: Evolving From Self-Hatred to Self-Love
description: I’ve grown in my relationship with my disabled body. Psychologically fighting against my body dishonored its beauty.
---

[Voices From The Community | Spinal Cord Injury & Paralysis](https://blog.christopherreeve.org/en)

# [Evolving From Self-Hatred to Self-Love](https://blog.christopherreeve.org/en/evolving-from-self-hatred-to-self-love)

 Written by [EmpowHer Stories](https://blog.christopherreeve.org/en/author/empowher-stories) | Jun 23, 2023 1:00:00 PM

I’ve grown in my relationship with my disabled body. Calling it what it is took time. I once didn’t mind when people said, *“I don’t see you as disabled because you are so regular.”* The more distance that I created between myself and my *less-than-ideal* body, the less disabled I felt. I rejected potentially life-changing accommodations to avoid being seen as a hindrance. I spiraled into self-deprecating narratives, buying into ableist ideologies.

In 2017, I was crowned Miss Wheelchair New York and publicly spoke about disability-based issues. Seeds of hypocrisy germinated within me as I encouraged disabled people to live authentically. I couldn’t keep uplifting others while feeling inadequate, and I resolved to cultivate a healthier relationship with my disabled body.

I reached a point where I needed to separate my self-perception from the external perceptions imposed upon me. That process proved difficult. I felt palpable agony as I let go of who society told me that I should be, but I couldn’t keep up the charade. I am disabled, and downplaying that truth is futile.

As I began to own my disability, my reality contradicted the *mind over matter* mantra. I couldn’t think away the pain. I accepted the wear and tear my body was taking from working full-time and being a single parent. My disabled body demanded to be cared for, and I obliged.

Psychologically fighting against my body dishonored its beauty. I realized that I wasn’t upset with my body; I was upset at what it took to *exist* in this body. The lack of access to homecare, adaptive equipment, and equitable healthcare reinforced society’s limited view of disabled people. I took stock of my accomplishments, despite these barriers. I felt liberated by knowing how remarkable it is to live fully with a disability.

This new mindset empowered me. I noticed that I had capabilities that most “able-bodied” people hadn’t developed out of necessity. I have engaging communication skills, high levels of pragmatism, and the ability to manipulate things in my mind. I became humbled by my disabled body’s perseverance through the transformation of self-hatred into self-love.

[View full post](https://blog.christopherreeve.org/en/evolving-from-self-hatred-to-self-love)

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