Evolving From Self-Hatred to Self-Love
I’ve grown in my relationship with my disabled body. Calling it what it is took time. I once didn’t mind when people said, “I don’t see you as disabled because you are so regular.” The more distance that I created between myself and my less-than-ideal body, the less disabled I felt. I rejected potentially life-changing accommodations to avoid being seen as a hindrance. I spiraled into self-deprecating narratives, buying into ableist ideologies.
In 2017, I was crowned Miss Wheelchair New York and publicly spoke about disability-based issues. Seeds of hypocrisy germinated within me as I encouraged disabled people to live authentically. I couldn’t keep uplifting others while feeling inadequate, and I resolved to cultivate a healthier relationship with my disabled body.
I reached a point where I needed to separate my self-perception from the external perceptions imposed upon me. That process proved difficult. I felt palpable agony as I let go of who society told me that I should be, but I couldn’t keep up the charade. I am disabled, and downplaying that truth is futile.
As I began to own my disability, my reality contradicted the mind over matter mantra. I couldn’t think away the pain. I accepted the wear and tear my body was taking from working full-time and being a single parent. My disabled body demanded to be cared for, and I obliged.
Psychologically fighting against my body dishonored its beauty. I realized that I wasn’t upset with my body; I was upset at what it took to exist in this body. The lack of access to homecare, adaptive equipment, and equitable healthcare reinforced society’s limited view of disabled people. I took stock of my accomplishments, despite these barriers. I felt liberated by knowing how remarkable it is to live fully with a disability.
This new mindset empowered me. I noticed that I had capabilities that most “able-bodied” people hadn’t developed out of necessity. I have engaging communication skills, high levels of pragmatism, and the ability to manipulate things in my mind. I became humbled by my disabled body’s perseverance through the transformation of self-hatred into self-love.
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Because of this perspective shift, I’m sensitive to my body’s needs. I prioritize time intentionally, and I rest when needed. I surround myself with people who acknowledge my humanity while respecting my accommodation needs. I don’t want people to ignore my reality because there’s no inclusion of me without seeing the whole me. Since society would rather keep me on the sidelines, I decided to spend my life advocating fiercely for my rights and the rights of others who are similarly oppressed.
My self-acceptance changed how I interact with my students as a teacher. I connect with them around feelings of fear, anger, and insecurity. I practice honesty with my students, encouraging curiosity about disabilities and sharing my experiences. I hope that they become better humans because of these conversations.
Empowerment and liberation look different for everyone. As disabled people, it’s easy to feel downtrodden and discouraged after internalizing narratives of inferiority. As a first step, you can identify other people’s ableist projections and remind yourself that they are lies. Draw inspiration from accomplished disabled people and adopt their empowering ideologies. Cultivate a network of people who encourage and celebrate you, even after small accomplishments. Get comfortable with the gaze of others. People are free to stare, and it might be because they admire you. Connect with people, even when it feels awkward. Most importantly, give yourself grace. It takes time to live on your terms and feel secure in yourself.
Today, I hold society accountable for meeting my needs and leveling the playing field so that people with disabilities can pursue their dreams. If I accomplished this much under oppressive systems, imagine the possibilities if things shifted a bit. Humanity will not advance until people with disabilities are given equal opportunities to contribute.
Dayniah Manderson is a veteran educator and disability rights advocate. She received her B.S. and M.A. from New York University, and she has served as a classroom teacher in the New York City public school system for the past twenty years. As a disability advocate, Dayniah has participated in many public events and panel discussions, including appearances at “Black Women's Roundtable on Disability and Chronic Illness” with Representative Ayanna Pressley (D-MA), and “Conversation: Crip Camp, the 2020 Election, and Disability,” with Dr. Jill Biden.