Caring For Those Who Care For Us

“Caregiver”

The word rolls off our tongues so easily: “I have a great caregiver.” “My husband is my full-time caregiver.”

It seems obvious that a spouse who cares for us is our caregiver. But what does that mean? How often do we stop and recognize the time and energy it takes to care for us? Can you even count the sacrifices they make for us, or calculate the emotional cost of caring for a spouse? And even more importantly, how often do we stop to thank our loved ones?

I know I am lucky. My husband is an amazing man who has never faltered as my caregiver. He helps me get dressed, he helps with my bowel and bladder care, he drives me wherever we need to go, and he does 95% of the cooking in our home. But even more than that, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, he gives me his love and support. He instinctively knows when to be there with a hug, and when to give me space for a while. We have been together for 46 years, so he knows my moods, my needs and my likes and dislikes.

I know that not everyone is lucky enough to have a spouse like mine, but many of us are fortunate to have loving family members who are our caregivers. They know that things take longer for us to accomplish, and are patient. They know we get frustrated by our paralysis and the inability to do all we want to do, and give us understanding. They can read our emotions and adjust theirs, so they don’t overload us on the down days, and they celebrate victories on our good ones.

But we need to give them every bit as much support as they give us. We have to be their caregivers. Recently, my husband and I took part in an online webinar for the Reeve Foundation with three other couples, discussing the complex relationships of couples who have one partner with a spinal cord injury and one who is their caregiver. You can watch it here, and find many other great resources for caregivers here.

As we shared our experiences, it was immediately obvious was that although every couple faced different circumstances, we all share the same human needs: we all need help, we all need to be appreciated, and we all need a break when the pressure gets overwhelming. No one can give themselves endlessly without receiving care in return. And it is our job to meet our caregivers’ physical and emotional needs as much as possible.

It is said that any healthy relationship is a 50-50% proposition. But it actually requires 100% commitment by both partners, all the time. Relationships are full of joy, fun, and love. But they are work, too, especially when one person needs the other to be their caregiver every day.

Some ways to show our appreciation are easy – say “Thank You,” give them a hug as they get into bed with you at night, remember their birthday with a card or flowers. But some require more thought. When you feel the stress pile up, suggest they take a break, let them take a walk for an hour, or carry in dinner instead of having to cook.

Above all, keep communicating. Remember the adage:” A funny thing happens without communication. Nothing.” Tell them what you need, but ask them what they need as well. Listen carefully. Then do whatever you can to help them, and show them that you are here for them, just as they are for you.

If you keep the lines of communication open, and give as much care as you receive, you will have a happy and fulfilling relationship. And each night, each of you will go to bed grateful to have the other. And isn’t that what it’s all about?

Access more caregiving support by visiting ChristopherReeve.org/Caregiving.