Pregnant and Paralyzed: Bigger and Wider
If I were to title each trimester of my pregnancy, I’d name my first trimester “Feeling Sick, Not As Lovely As Expected;” second trimester would be “Back To Normal, Eating All The Fruit;” and, while I’m only in the first weeks of my third trimester, I anticipate that this one will be something like “Bigger and Wider, Ready for the End.”I’m still enjoying pregnancy very much now and I’m not necessarily counting down the weeks yet, but I’m definitely feeling every bit of the “bigger and wider” – and in more ways, than just the metaphorical bowling ball I’m carrying around my waist these days.
My appetite. I’ve never been a large person and I’ve never had a big appetite, but oh man. As the weeks stretch on and I get closer to my pregnancy’s end, my appetite is growing faster than anything else. My weapon of choice is fruit, any kind of fruit, but I also haven’t let a bite of food linger on my plate for months. Trips to the pantry for a snack have turned into a lock-my-brakes-and-stay-a-while situation, if you know what I mean. It’s justified because I’m pregnant, though, right? As long as I snack on healthy, protein-and-nutrient-packed foods, there’s no shame in my game. I’m very intentional about snacking “smart,” so I’ll be able to return to my pre-pregnancy figure (or something close to it) after I give birth.
My emotions. I’ve always been an emotional person, but good grief. Last week, while I was lying on the couch with my dog, it hit me hard. I turned my head toward her, we locked eyes, and I actually started crying because I love her so much. Keep in mind that Achilles, my dog, is the most beautiful and prized thing in my life and I love her more than I can put words to, but crying about it is a little much. Even I can recognize that. My pregnancy hormones and impending life change is surfacing all kinds of emotions that may feel otherwise silly, overdramatic, and/or unnecessary. My big emotions mostly show up with my tears, but those hormones can also be anger, frustration, exasperation, etc. So what? As long as you’re not hurting anyone, girl, let it out.
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And now, the elephant in the room: my belly. Or at least I think it’s the elephant. When I look in a full-length mirror, I sure feel like an elephant. Even so, if I hear women refer to their pregnant bellies as anything but a miracle, I’ll be the first to tell them to stop. Women’s ability to grow human beings in our bodies is a privilege, and it’s beautiful. That fact hit home for me when I first felt my son kick. It’s wild to know my body can grow into an independently-thinking human: awake when I’m asleep, kicking me during the days, and [seemingly] rave-dancing when I lie down at night. When I look in that mirror and see my elephant body, I remind myself of two things: my pregnancy is a privilege, and it’s temporary. Once I deliver, I’ll have control of my body back, so I may as well enjoy my pregnant curves while I can.
Pregnancy is so much fun, and that’s mostly because everything is new: new challenges, new behaviors, and a new body shape. Best of all, there’s a baby at the end of it! Having a disability can be really fun, too, but there are certain things we’ve gotta overcome. Now that I’m in my third trimester, I know my pregnancy and disability are about to collide in new and trying ways. But you know what? Bring it on. I’m enjoying this while I can.