When I met Geoff, despite his spinal cord injury and paralysis, I knew he would make a great father even in our early days of dating. He was patient and funny, and spending time with his own nuclear family was important. Now, twenty years later, we are the parents of a newly minted 16-year-old son and an almost 15-year-old daughter. Like many families with teenagers involved in extracurricular activities, our life most days feels like one large Tetris puzzle, imagining and predicting where to place the pieces when the dog knocks the table over entirely. I would like to say that our teenagers are extra empathetic and compassionate having grown up with a father with a physical disability-- however, the reality is that the older, taller, more independent, and more self-centered (developmentally appropriate) they grow, the more we are torn between wishing them fully grown and wanting to go back when they were 10. This is the honest bare bones truth.
There are moments of awesomeness, but they are fleeting and generally happening in transport somewhere in a car-- not the Norman Rockwell scenes we imagine around the kitchen table when they are babies. Our best winter versions of the “family scene" might be out in the garage surrounded by ski turning equipment the night before a race-- or the rare occasion when we get to make a ski run together at our home mountain, Loon. But the everyday reality is actually very messy, loud, disheveled and usually full of slush Geoff tracks in on his wheels.
Geoff is the point parent on everything sport related, whether soccer, cycling or skiing. Both our kids want to analyze their ski videos together with him as he doesn’t just tell them they look good. As a professional sit-down skier (also called a monoskier) no one understands edge angle and temperament better than him. Geoff needs to be needed, and this allows him to communicate with them over common ground. I played basketball growing up thereby not helping to understand ski racing on any level beyond a cowbell ringing super fan. However, I am the able-bodied mom who has facilitated the actual skiing and driving to races for years now. Given the stress associated with ski racing as a sport, they prefer me to drive them, assist with their gear, lunches, snacks-- but he is the one they seek out at the finish line if he is able to be there. Unless a hug is needed in which case I am the person whose eyes they try to find after the finish line. I am also the one who carries the health insurance as a full-time teacher, grocery shopper, laundry person, and chauffeur. We give up on a clean house in the winter because there just isn’t enough time.
Geoff also recognizes the partnership opportunities and shared, “I think the first thing is to focus on what you can be helpful with. When and where those opportunities arise; as sometimes you can feel as though you are not an active contributor to the daily life mission of the household as a parent, acknowledging where you have strengths and excelling at those. It’s also important to see the heavy lifts that your spouse may be taking on during the times you cannot be as helpful. Find the little things to work on or complete even if not noticed but in the long run they stack up to be a lot. Parenting is hard and complex but taking into account each other's strengths and weaknesses is the most important when figuring out a day-to-day battle plan on moving the kids and family life in a successful direction. A team is made up of many different positions that are specialized to bring about a win. This is no different in living with someone with a disability. We specialize in becoming the participant the family needs in different areas for long-term success.
But we’ve focused on our kids and what they need, and our hearts have been in the right places together. This is what matters most, and, even when we “plan accordingly,” we are prepared for it all to go to hell and start anew the next day.