Happy New Year! This is the start of a great year ahead of us. Hopefully, COVID will begin to fall behind us but do not slow your avoidance behaviors. Stay safe by wearing a mask if you are able, washing your hands, social distancing, and generally keeping yourself protected. Make the best of your protection abilities by becoming vaccinated if you choose for your own wellbeing and enhancing the lives of those around you.
Many individuals think about sexuality and reproduction as a new beginning. You might be thinking about starting a relationship that is a new beginning. Certainly, having children is a new beginning to a life as well as your life. It can be really intimidating to consider a relationship when your body has changed. Developing comfort in your own being is a challenge for everyone regardless of trauma or disease. Everyone has concerns about how they look, how they present themselves as well as what others think.
Individuals living with ability challenges generally have four overarching concerns. They may have personal and psychological issues related to their self-esteem. Sexual confidence may be low. They may be going through mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, negative body image, and even grieving. Some individuals are already involved in fragile relationships, which any changes can challenge.
Personal and Psychological Health Issues (Self-Esteem)
Finding confidence is not easy. A review of yourself is never pleasant if you are really looking to make improvements. Individuals that feel they look different for any reason can be a huge mental stumbling block. In reality, most individuals look for personality when seeking relationships. Many individuals meet other people and have very successful relationships. True, some people are not going to give you a second glance if you have a different look, but these same people will reject individuals based on all sorts of factors such as too tall, too short, chunky, skinny, religious beliefs, education, size of the nose, type of laugh, and on and on. I even know someone that passed by a relationship opportunity with a really great individual because they felt the person spoke too loudly. People make all sorts of judgments.
In our world of body perfection, differences in physical looks are all unjustly magnified. There are many news stories about advertisements that are altered to create unrealistic images of the human body. Social media influencers may photoshop their image to create false possibilities for the human body. Hopefully, as individuals learn and accept these false perceptions, our society will return to realism as a natural look because that is real life. We all look unique because that is human design.
People have all sorts of perceived shortcomings. I use the word perceived as people respond differently to themselves. How you deal with your perceptions is the issue. If you are comfortable in your own self, you are less apt to be worried about your perceived issues. Some people move on through life with no outward sign of self-doubt, whereas others are full of it. Many are somewhere in the middle.
Take an inventory of your strengths and perceived weaknesses. I will guarantee that your weaknesses will not be something that others see as a shortcoming. These are usually things that the individual is self-conscious about. We all have them. Often having physical or mental issues is not a shortcoming, especially if you are comfortable with your abilities. But some individuals who have not adjusted to their challenges are usually those that see them as huge liabilities. Interestingly, others are not concerned about their physical abilities while still others use them to their benefit.
Yes, some use their abilities to their benefit. An example is a couple in a very successful relationship. One uses a wheelchair for mobility while the other has some intermittent chronic metabolism health issues. The individual with the spinal cord injury employs an assistant to help with personal care. Because of their respective perceptions of life, they are able to provide emotional support to each other when needed because they understand the challenges, they each face. They live a life where their strengths aid each other. Neither let their perceived differences dictate their lives. This might not be the arrangement you are seeking, but it works marvelously for them.
If you are really having difficulty with your body image, talk with a professional that can assist you in finding positives about yourself. They can provide strategies for improving how you think about yourself, negative talk, and support you in exploring new ideas for making connections with others.
Sexual Confidence
In relationships, individuals think about sexuality. After a significant change in your health or body status, people wonder about the ability to participate in sex. Individuals with spinal cord injury from trauma or disease will have differences based on their level of injury. Those with upper-level injuries in the cervical or lumbar area may have tone (spasticity), which can affect sexual activity, making it more difficult or actually can enhance sexual encounters. You may want medication to relax your tone during sex or may reduce your medication to allow a bit more tone. Individuals with lower-level injuries in the lumbar or sacral areas of the spine may be flaccid; therefore, they enhance sex with different positioning techniques. Individuals with brain injury or stroke can experiment with different positioning as well.
If you have a partner from pre-injury, your partner may be willing to try different techniques to see what works well for sexual stimulation. It can be more of a challenge if you are in a new relationship. People are often embarrassed to discuss their needs but, in a relationship, this should be done anyway. Some individuals will experiment on their own before entering into a relationship with another person to see where there is sensation, responses, and what is arousing.
The idea of falling in love, at first sight, is not really a thing. People might see someone they find attractive or have a great conversation which causes them to meet again. It is sort of a dream fantasy that love at first sight occurs. You have to get to know someone first. It is usually a successful courtship that will be looked back on fondly as love at first sight.